me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
