I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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