yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
