Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
