Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
