Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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