I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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