My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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