Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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