So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
