just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My breasts were aching with rage.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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