Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
