its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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