At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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