If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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