God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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