the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
