Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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