but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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