I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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