i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
