If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
