Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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