I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
