Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
