I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
