I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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