The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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