You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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