I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
