I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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