Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
