When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
