As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
