We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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