my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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