he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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