I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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