Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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