I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
