The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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