a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize