i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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