8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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