i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
