I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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