hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
my poor anus
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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