Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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