i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
