ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
