i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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