Where are you?
In a non slutty way
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
