Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
