My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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