got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
