i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
