So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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