Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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