Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish i was in the wii world.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
