I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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