dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
