After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm just crazy horny about you
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
