You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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