somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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